The Breakthrough

Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk had long since passed away, but two men who looked and spoke very much like them met at Social Media Guy (SMG)’s lab. Mars-Colonizing Solar Panel Car Guy (MCSPCG) sipped a $500 cup of tea made from leaves that had been carried 100 miles on the backs of virgin mules in Tibet.

“I’ve finally done it,” SMG said. “That’s why I brought you here.”

“Done what, exactly?” MCSPCG asked.

“I’ve solved the energy crisis and found a way to enable faster-than-light space travel,” SMG said. “We can go anywhere. We can do anything.”

“Come now,” MCSPCG said. “Saving mankind and becoming a solar-powered AC-induction Hyperloop space-messiah is my department, isn’t it?”

“Hear me out,” SMG said. “Or actually, just watch.”

SMG took a cable marked “The Internet” in one hand, and connected it to a socket on the wall of the lab’s quarantine area.

“Inside that lab, I’ve linked batteries that can hold enough juice to power the United States for a year–about 4,000 Terawatt hours’ worth,” SMG said.

MCSPCG raised a single eyebrow in amusement as he sipped the $500 tea.

“Now,” SMG said. “I’m just going to connect my ‘The Internet’ feed from the outside world through this converter, and open Facebook. This system converts negative energy into usable energy.”

“Negative energy?” MCSPCG asked. His eyes widened as he set the tea cup down. “But the–”

“Trust me,” SMG said. He then typed two words into The Internet: ‘Politics. Discuss.’

“But you can’t–” MCSPCG stammered.

One of the batteries exploded before SMG was able to throw the emergency shutoff. The experiment had lasted 1.037 seconds.

The rest of the battery meters read ‘100% full.’

A lab tech raced into the room, breathless.

“Sir, Mr. Umm—whatever your name is–we’ve gotten an urgent message from NASA!” the tech said.

“An urgent message?” SMG asked. “What does it say?”

“One of the cryogenic orbital ships–the ones containing all the Walt Disney-eque frozen heads in off-world secure storage–its orbit decayed, and well, it fell into the ice giant planet it was orbiting.”

“That’s terrible,” SMG said. “What do they need from us though?”

“Word of your discovery has already leaked,” the lab tech said. “They’re asking for use of your negative energy harvesters to pull one of the frozen heads out of the ice. It’s a prominent politician from 2017, and the cryo-pod’s AI has sent out a distress call asking for rescue.”

“I see,” SMG said. “Let me do some math.”

He doodled on a white board, but quickly became frustrated.

MCSPCG stepped in, picked up a dry-erase marker, and doodled some other figures. He too became frustrated.

SMG turned to the lab tech, who’d been waiting in breathless anticipation.

“Tell them we’re sorry,” SMG said. “Send this message to the politician’s AI: ‘We have all the energy we could ever want, sir, but it’s still not going to be enough energy to pull your head out of Uranus.”

###

Copyright by Stephen Lawson, 2017. Feel free to link to it.

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